If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
