Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
