Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
