He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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