Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
