Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
whose parrot is this?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
