What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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