I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
