My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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