I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
