you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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