we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
