i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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