If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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