Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize