I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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