I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
