I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
