just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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