just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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