ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize