My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
try to milk me bitch
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
