My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
