Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
