Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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