And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
