someone threw a dead crab at me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize