Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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