Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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