i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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