my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
