He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
