McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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