I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
