Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
