I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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