do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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