I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
