I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
