in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
