I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
