I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
