wrigley field is MILF paradise
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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