So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize