Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
All the doctor said was why
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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