I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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