sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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