drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
