literally had 100 drinks last night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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