turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
