There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
