Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
