I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Small penises have feelings too.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
