giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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