She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
