I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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