if you like me you must not know who I am
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
