Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
